Relationships are hard. That is a simple reality that most people have to deal with on a daily basis. The good news is that there are things you can do to be happy in your relationship, even when it’s difficult! In this blog post, we will discuss how to keep your relationships strong and how being in a healthy relationship can dramatically change how you feel about yourself deep within.
Why do people lose their minds in relationships?
The short answer? Family micro-trauma, in my experience, only really shows itself when you get into a serious relationship. This is how it tends to go. You meet someone, you get into a relationship, and life starts getting really good! Then something happens that triggers a somewhat dormant micro-trauma. This could be something as benign as “good” sounding as realizing you’re “the one”. All of the sudden, you go from being in the friend-zone of traumas (which they’ve had lots of time to process) to the family zone (which may have not been witnessed since childhood).
When this occurs, the reaction can vary. Some people shut down and feel like they cannot trust their partners anymore (if trust was an issue at home). Others will lash out due to how overwhelmed they feel by the visceral memories (the body’s reactions) of stressors like feeling emotionally attacked.
Sometimes, when relationships go south, an ex-partner says that once their ex was “comfortable” they show their “true qualities”. I disagree. I think when people are truly comfortable they can open up and ask for help about these things, having a family-trauma response is anything but “true” to character. It’s almost entirely unconscious. And it stems from anything but comfort.
People don’t “show their dark side” in relationships because they’re “comfy”, relationships spark fire beneath “Reality IQ dents”
Perhaps they are comfortable enough with you to show you how you can help them (by revealing their trauma), but in my experience it’s usually unconscious stressors that cause what I call “Reality IQ dents” to blow up and out of proportion.
RIQ dents (RIQ-d) come from what I call “Reality IQ Deficiency” (RIQ-D) in others. The little “d” indicates a little problem, while the big “D” indicates, you got it, a big problem. RIQ Deficiency happens when someone has been hit with so many RIQ dents that their whole perception of reality is skewed or slanted. They normally live their reality through the lens of what I call their “Ego-Tool” (or ET).
The role of the Ego-Tool
I call it the Ego ‘Tool’ because that’s what it is: a mechanism we utilize. It’s simplistic and makes basic assessments of situations and summarizes an infinite amount of information into “good” or “bad” so you can get about your day. The ET gets a bad wrap because, to the ET, it is all about you.
When you are threatened, ET activates.
Part of your consciousness actually moves into it. Part of you sees the world through an incredibly simplistic lens. Everything fits into categories like fight/flight/freeze and threatening/safe. This is good. It’s natural. But when someone has been constantly pushed into the ET enough times, like during a traumatic childhood, they either go there very quickly and with very little consciousness in the rest of their thinking mind, or their conscious awareness goes there completely.
When someone lives entirely in the ET, I believe it is the real cause of mental illness.
When someone’s awareness of certain subjects in life (like wealth for instance, or human nature) live entirely in that protective place — this is what I call a Reality IQ Deficiency.
When an RIQ-d gets pounded in so many times that it becomes permanent, it becomes an RIQ-D.
If you’re raised in a household where people are suffering from RIQ-D, whether with a full-blown mental-illness-level detachment or are even just extraordinarily closed-minded about certain topics, they cause RIQ dents in the people around them.
RIQ dents are micro-traumas that would heal if left alone.
This is why someone walking down the street yelling “wealthy people are greedy” is unlikely to affect you terribly, while being raised in a house where you’re taught “women/men can’t be trusted” will do a real number on the way you think, maybe for your whole life.
When RIQ dents are made, and every time they are experienced after that, they necessarily correspond with an “Emotional IQ divot”.
EIQ divots are the little chunks taken out of our hearts every time we’re taught something untrue and hurtful. While RIQ-d causes mental health issues, EIQ-d causes crises of emotional wellness. Low self-worth, jealousy, not being able to take criticism, having a hard time drawing boundaries–these are all intricately related with RIQ-D we have been taught.
These are the wounds unearthed by serious relationships. Now you can understand why relationships can at times seem so hard!
How to keep a relationship strong and healthy
The key to keeping a relationship strong and healthy is how well you and your partner can heal your RIQ-ds. If you are still conscious, this won’t be easy but it’s doable. Practicing awareness is key, for both of you. These micro-traumas will heal in their own time, given enough space. But awareness must be brought back to Base Reality (RIQ 0).
People with mental illness are difficult to have relationships with because it’s very hard for them to step out of the ET, past their RIQ-D, and into Base Reality (or RIQ 0). The same is true for people with micro-trauma (to a lesser, but still challenging, extent).
The key to developing Base Reality, and thereby healing RIQ-d is true objectivity.
This means removing the “bad” lens you’ve been taught to see through, and replacing it with one that interprets reality clearly. Critical thinking and objectivity (learning more about a subject or seeking out different perspectives) is crucial to GROWing into a new reality (one without dents)!
The key to making, and keeping, a strong, happy, healthy relationship is learning how to first HEAL, then GROW, together.
I’ll talk more about Intuitive IQ and High Reality IQ in another post!
